Best SPAM Ever!

No, not the kind you eat....

Maybe I'm just lucky, but everyday I win the lottery. Sometimes it the British National Lottery, some times it's the Irish National Lottery, and sometimes I'm just the lucky contestant from the Ed McMahon Sweepstakes.

Maybe I'm an international business mogul. Often I receive letters from African royalty and overseas investors requesting that I aid them with investment consultation of millions of dollars.

I mean, they have so much faith in me that they want to transfer the money directly into my bank account! Can you believe it? My parents would be so proud of me if they knew the success story I've become.

Sometimes I even get informative letters about ways to maximize the potential of my "man region." I think I'm pretty well set there, but maybe some of my ex-girlfriends have been spreading some "small" rumors.

I like to think that, unlike me, those rumors have very little "staying power" and the unwarranted emails will eventually stop finding their way into my inbox.

So basically, everyday I open my email and find plenty of unsolicited letters known the world over as SPAM. Well today I think I received one of the funniest of all from gregoryadaddeo6512@yahoo.com. Here it is:

"Today I'm in a good mood, how about you? Let me do a sexy show for you at www.nikagirl dot com"

A "sexy show," you say? Well then, I guess I am a lucky guy after all!

deep thoughts

the other day i found two dead mice floating in my pool. one was nearly two times larger than the other and i pondered the possible events that may have brought them to their watery fate. could it be that the smaller one had fallen in and its mother went in to help him? did she pace back and forth watching her child struggle to find the side of the pool? was there one final act of compassion between a mother and a child when she entered the water out of desperation to aid her child, knowing full well that there was no chance for escape, hoping only to relieve her exhausted child for a few moments?
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or:

maybe the little one did a "canon ball" and the big one tried to out do him.

maybe they were just drunk and fell in.

maybe they were chased in there by boonie dogs.

maybe they were little pirates who were lost at sea.

maybe they were acting out respective mermice fantasies.

maybe they just wanted to take a bath.

I need a jump rope.

Anyone have one for me? As a member of the CNMI Men's National Soccer Team, I have a training regimen to follow in advance of our meeting with Guam this coming May. As part of our team's pre-training session workout, our coach has put together a six-week course with a little bit of everything.

One item I'll be needing is a jump rope, and not the "Double Dutch" kind, either. I've never had one, and other than watching the training montage from "Rocky" I've never really thought about incorporating a jump rope into my routine.

It's supposed to help with agility, so I'll gladly borrow your jump rope if you've got one. You can keep the training outfit if it looks like this guy's. I don't need to get that into it.

Think you know "A Christmas Story?"

Well then test your holiday film knowledge below and find the answers int he comment section. Please post your score!

1. What is Ralphie's last name?
2. Where does he live (street, town, state)?
3. What does he want for Christmas? (Be exact.)
4. According to his mom, teacher and Santa, what will happen if he gets it?
5. What does Ralphie explicitly not want for Christmas?
6. What is the name of the local department store?
7. What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
8. What did the "clodhopper down in Griffith, Ind.," swallow?
9. What contest does Ralphie's dad enter?
10. What is first prize?
11. What is Ralphie's brother's name?
12. Who directed, produced and co-wrote the movie?
13. This man also directed what 1982 movie about a group of Florida high schoolers and a sleazy nightclub owner?
14. What magazine does Ralphie's mother read?
15. According to Ralphie (as he tries to con his dad), what did Flick see near Pulaski's Candy Store?
16. What are the parents' names?
17. What did the father want for Christmas?
18. What does he get?
19. In his dream sequence, what does Ralphie call his trusty firearm?
20. In that dream, who's the leader of the desperadoes who attack his house?
21. What kind of car does Dad drive?
22. To the best of Ralphie's knowledge, where does his dad's "tapestry of obscenity" hover to this day?
23. Why does the little brother cry before going to school?
24. What song's sheet music is written on the blackboard in Ralphie's class?
25. What is the name of Ralphie's teacher?
26. What is the name of the neighborhood bully?
27. What color eyes does he have?
28. This bully is played by Zack Ward. In what Fox comedy did he co-star as an adult?
29. What is the name of his toadie sidekick?
30. Name two things confiscated from students in the teacher's desk.
31. What book is the class reading?
32. What is the most serious of all dares?
33. Melinda Dillon, who plays Ralphie's mom, appears topless in what 1977 movie?
34. Where does Ralphie sit in class?
35. What theme does the teacher assign to the class?
36. What is the name of Ralphie's neighbors?
37. Who wrote and narrated "A Christmas Story"?
38. Who does he play on-screen in the film?
39. What does Dad guess is his "Major Award"?
40. When the crate arrives, where does he think it's from?
41. How much does Dad tip the delivery guys?
42. How long has Ralphie's brother not eaten voluntarily?
43. When did Mom last have a hot meal for herself?
44. What is the Major Award?
45. What is the nickname of the neighbor Dad talks to across the street?
46. What time did "Lil' Orphan Annie" start?
47. Who is the sponsor of the radio show?
48. What grade does Ralphie get on his theme?
49. How fast can Dad change a flat tire?
50. What brand of soap does Ralphie like to have his mouth washed out with?
51. What brand does he hate?
52. When Mom breaks Dad's Major Award, what "crusher" of a line does he stammer out?
53. What does Dad then do with his Major Award?
54. What kind of dogs do the neighbors have?
55. Who had tickets to the Bears-Packers game?
56. Characters from this movie march in the Christmas parade.
57. Some of these characters pretend to beat up what other character in the parade?
58. Who/what does "Goggle Boy" waiting in line like?
59. What year did "A Christmas Story" likely take place?
60. What does the department store Santa hate?
61. Ralphie's dad could replace a fuse faster than what?
62. What gifts did Ralphie and his brother throw over their shoulders in disgust?
63. What are the names of Ralphie's two friends?
64. Name three gifts Ralphie's brother received for Christmas.
65. What is the name of Ralphie's aunt?
66. What does she think Ralphie is?
67. What does she make him as a gift?
68. What two things does Dad say Ralphie looks like wearing it?
69. What school does Ralphie attend?
70. What does Dad offer Ralphie on Christmas morning?
71. What is Dad's favorite food?
72. What happens to Ralphie's glasses on Christmas morning?
73. According to Mom, what will Dad get if he eats dinner before it's completely cooked?
74. What day of the week does Christmas fall on that year?
75. Where does the family go out to eat on Christmas night?
76. What is above the restaurant?
76. What two songs do the wait staff sing?
77. How is that dinner like da Vinci's "The Last Supper"?
78. What is the problem with the duck that's served?
79. How is this resolved?
80. What does adult Ralphie call duck?

All I want for Christmas...

I don't need much for the holidays, but Zaldy Dandan could bring a lot of holiday cheer to the people of Saipan, Tinian and Rota by saving the world from the poor reporting done by your favorite writer and mine, Emmanuel T. Erediano.

My man EE caries as much passion for his job as the guy cleaning backed up toilets in a public park. Either that or he's as happy as pigs in journalistic slop.

How else would you describe this one-sided rant:

Taotao Tano’s Cruz insists election was ‘compromised’

By Emmanuel T. Erediano
Variety News Staff

TAOTAO Tano CNMI Inc. president Gregorio Cruz says the Precinct 2 recount on Friday “was a classic example of why we challenge the integrity” of Commonwealth Election Commission Executive Director, Gregorio Sablan.

Cruz said the use of Avery tape “compromised” the integrity of last month’s midterm elections.

He is urging the Attorney General’s Office “to launch a fill-scale investigation,” into his complaint regarding “tampering of ballots and tabulating machine” as well as “questionable residency certifications.”

He said the most important question that every voter in the CNMI should be asking is “why Avery tapes were used and placed over ballots marked with ink and then ran through tabulating machine without prior knowledge of the voting public.”

Cruz was one of the losing House candidates in the midterm elections, but he said his complaints have nothing to do with it.

“It’s about integrity,” he said.

This was a complete waste of my time. It's nothing more than a glamorized quote with a few extra words sprinkled around it. Is this what passes for a newsworthy story these days? EE, did you even consider calling the AG's office or the Election Board for a response?

WTF?!

Do you just put every email you receive into the paper? Come on man, I know it's the holiday season, but you've been "giving" your journalistic integrity away for peanuts all year. I think it's okay for you to start "taking" your job seriously.

After all, it's your name in the paper.

You've been writing crummy pieces all year that equate to a glorified email from a fringer, as if you think this was Pulitzer gold. I can almost see the happy look on your face when you added the final period. I bet your reaction was just like "Ralphie's" from "A Christmas Story" when he turned in his theme about a Red Rider carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock.

At least "Ralphie" got a C+ on his paper with a note from the teacher that he'll shoot his eye out. On the other hand, you make me want to claw mine out every time I see your latest edition of journalistic trash.

Yet, like a moth to a horribly messed up flame, I keep coming back.

Perhaps you would consider making your New Year's resolution something both you and your family can be proud of. Why not something like:

"In 2008 I vow to earn my paycheck, should the good folks at the Marianas Variety keep me on staff."

From one crummy writer to another,
Season's Greetings, EE.

So you want the funny?

Bigsoxfan said that the last post was dull so I went out and found a little humor for the big guy. After watching this, I was wondering what it would be like to try this show on Saipan.

The straight poop from the US Department of the Interior

Here's what I received today from Tanya Harris Joshua of the Office of Insular Affairs' Policy Division regarding David Cohen's resignation...


Office of the Secretary Contact: Joseph McDermott (202) 219-0037
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Frank Quimby (202) 208-7291
December 18, 2007

Deputy Assistant Secretary David Cohen Leaving Interior

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne today announced that Deputy Assistant Secretary David B. Cohen will be leaving the Department after an unprecedented five and a half year term at the helm of the Office of Insular Affairs.

“David has been a passionate advocate for the U.S.-affiliated islands,” Secretary Kempthorne said. “His passion has rubbed off on me, and I have become personally committed to island issues. I wish I could have convinced David to stay until the end of the term.”

“I have many to thank for the great experience that I’ve had here at Interior,” Cohen said. “I am especially grateful to Secretary Kempthorne, former Secretary Norton, Deputy Secretary Lynn Scarlett, OIA Director Nikolao Pula and our phenomenal team at OIA, my colleagues in the Administration, my colleagues on Capitol Hill and, most particularly, my colleagues throughout the islands. I’ve had the opportunity to have a significant impact to help people and places that I care very much about. You can’t ask for more than that.”

Having served as Interior’s lead official for insular affairs for a longer continuous period than anyone else, Cohen will return to California to practice law. He will leave the Department by the end of January, 2008.

“After all the preaching I’ve done about the importance of the private sector, I thought that it was time to practice what I preach by returning to it myself,” said Cohen, who has been responsible for administering the Federal Government’s relationship with its territories and for administering financial assistance to U.S. territories and Freely Associated States.

Among his many accomplishments, Cohen is credited with significantly raising the visibility of island issues in Washington, helping to reactivate the White House Interagency Group on Insular Areas, launching comprehensive new programs to promote private sector economic development and accountability, leading the implementation of the amended Compacts of Free Association, and being a strong advocate for both locals and guest workers in the Northern Mariana Islands.

During his tenure, Cohen focused on helping the islands improve their business climates and reach out to potential investors to promote private sector economic development. Under his leadership, the Office of Insular Affairs developed an Island Fellows Program, which assigned candidates for Masters of Business Administration degrees from prestigious U.S. universities to address economic development issues in the islands; organized four successful Conferences on Business Opportunities in the Islands, and led Business Opportunities Missions which have brought delegations of potential investors to the Northern Mariana Islands, Guam, Palau, American Samoa and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Cohen emphasized and promoted improved accountability of federal funds, providing technical assistance to help insular area governments improve their financial management. He and his team at OIA were the principal architects of the comprehensive new accountability requirements adopted with recent amendments to the Compacts of Free Association with the Marshall Islands and the Federated States of Micronesia

Cohen also took a particular interest in helping Chamorros, Carolinians, foreign guest workers and others who are suffering because of the structural problems with the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands’ economy. He and his staff drafted and won Bush Administration support for legislation calling for “flexible federalization” of the Northern Marianas immigration system to accommodate the islands’ special needs to attract workers, tourists, investors and other visitors.

“It has been a very eventful five and a half years,” said Cohen. “I’m proud of the degree to which we’ve been able to shape the agenda. We’ve tried to be creative in our efforts to help the islands, and have tried a lot of new ideas that had never been tried before. All of our new initiatives have placed great demands on OIA’s staff, and I am tremendously impressed by the way in which they have responded.”

A summary of David Cohen’s accomplishments as Deputy Assistant Secretary for Insular Affairs, including additional quotes, is attached and is also available online at www.doi.gov/oia.

Tanya Harris Joshua also included a list of all of Cohen's accomplishments during his tenure. See below:

Deputy Assistant Secretary for Insular Affairs David Cohen

A Record of Accomplishments, 2001-2007


Raising the Visibility of Island Issues

The visibility of island issues in Washington was raised significantly during David Cohen’s tenure. He and his staff drafted the Executive Order that President Bush signed in May 2003 to create the Interagency Group on Insular Areas, a high-level policy group focusing on issues relating to Guam, American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands and the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands. The IGIA has addressed a number of important issues under Cohen’s leadership, including preparations for the planned military buildup in Guam.

Although members of the President’s cabinet do not often visit the insular areas, Cohen was able to convince both Secretary Kempthorne and former Secretary Gale Norton to visit almost all of the insular areas for which Interior has responsibility.

Focus on Economic Development

Cohen said that he was most proud of the Office of Insular Affairs’ efforts during his tenure to help the islands promote private sector economic development. “We recognized that the islands’ unsustainable reliance on the public sector was keeping people poor and making it almost impossible to generate the funds needed for education, health and infrastructure,” said Cohen. “The lack of opportunity also threatens the island way of life, because so many islanders have had to leave home in order to make a decent living.”

Under Cohen’s leadership, OIA developed a comprehensive program to help the islands improve their business climates and reach out to potential investors. Cohen started the Island Fellows program, which for the past five summers has sent MBA candidates from Wharton, Harvard, Northwestern and other prestigious business schools to the islands to address economic development issues. The Island Fellows have, under the guidance of distinguished economists, prepared detailed analyses of legal, regulatory, tax and land reforms that island governments could adopt to attract more investment. They have also identified and conducted extensive research on potential business opportunities in each of the insular areas. “We’ve gotten tremendous bang for our buck with the Island Fellows program,” said Cohen. “The Fellows have done excellent work that businesses truly rely upon. We’ve also ensured that a number of future high-powered business people will be friends of the islands for life.”

Cohen also initiated a series of annual Conferences on Business Opportunities in the Islands, the fourth of which was held in Guam in October 2007. The Conferences, each of which has attracted overflow crowds, bring together high level officials of the Federal Government and island governments, businesses from around the world and businesses from the islands. “The idea is to give the islands a high profile stage to tell their story to potential investors,” said Cohen. “Our objective is to encourage win-win opportunities where good off-island companies can partner with island businesses to create jobs and opportunity in the islands.”

Cohen also organized Business Opportunities Missions which have brought delegations of potential investors to the Northern Mariana Islands, Guam, Palau, American Samoa and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

“I’ve traveled around the country and to several foreign nations promoting our Conferences and Missions,” said Cohen. “These marketing efforts have created a great deal of awareness about business opportunities in the islands and have produced some exciting results.”

As examples, Cohen cited the recent decision by Stanford Financial Group, which participated in OIA’s 2006 Business Opportunities Mission to the U.S. Virgin Islands, to establish operations and invest over $2 billion in that territory; and various investments in the Northern Mariana Islands by a group led by Sedy Demesa, a California businesswoman who participated in the 2005 Business Opportunities Mission to Saipan, including the establishment of the nursing school Emmanuel College, the purchase of the Koreana Hotel, and the establishment of the Pacific Times newspaper.

He also noted a planned $200 million resort and condominium project on Tinian by Bridge Investment Group, which was introduced to the Northern Mariana Islands through Cohen’s business opportunities marketing efforts; an agreement by Merchant Capital, a company that participated in the 2006 Business Opportunities Mission to American Samoa, to raise the financing for a fiber optic cable connection that will enable American Samoa to establish a call center industry; and the establishment of the first captive insurance company on Guam, a deal that was consummated at the 2004 Conference on Business Opportunities in the Islands.

“We don’t promote or endorse any specific business opportunity,” said Cohen. “We simply do our research to find out which industries and companies can find good opportunities in the islands, market the islands extensively on the basis of that research, facilitate contact between the businesses we reach out to and their island counterparts, and then let the parties take it from there. The businesses do their own due diligence.”

Focus on Accountability

While Cohen has often referred to economic development as “Priority 1” for OIA, he calls the promotion of accountability for public funds “Priority 1-A”. Cohen has directed OIA to target its technical assistance funds to help insular area governments improve their financial management. He oversaw a special effort to help the islands develop the capacity to submit comprehensive financial audits annually under requirements of the Single Audit Act.

He cited some of the results of that effort in a recent speech: “When I took office in 2002, not a single one of the 11 nations, states and territories that we serve was submitting timely or clean Single Audits. Today, the record on timeliness is almost exactly the opposite: only one of our 11 jurisdictions is not current with its Single Audits.” Cohen went on to note that more and more audits submitted by insular area governments recently have been clean as well as timely.

Putting “Compact II” on the Right Track

Cohen and his team at OIA were the principal architects of the comprehensive new accountability requirements adopted with recent amendments to the Compacts of Free Association with the Marshall Islands and the Federated States of Micronesia. These accountability requirements were crucial in convincing the U.S. Congress to pass the Compact of Free Association Amendments Act of 2003, which appropriated $3.5 billion in grants and other payments over 20 years. Cohen testified on behalf of the Bush Administration before both the Senate and House in support of the Act.

The passage of the Compact amendments, or “Compact II”, created a number of new responsibilities for Cohen. He has served as the first and only Chairman of each of the following bilateral committees: the Joint Economic Management Committee, which allocates and oversees U.S. grant assistance under its Compact with the Federated States of Micronesia; the Joint Economic and Financial Accountability Committee, which allocates and oversees Compact assistance to the Marshall Islands; and the governing committees established under the Compacts for the Federated States of Micronesia and the Marshall Islands, respectively.

Through his leadership of these four committees and of OIA, which manages the Compact grants, Cohen has guided the “Compact II” implementation effort through the challenges of its formative years. These challenges have included successful urgent responses to fiscal crises in the states of Kosrae and Chuuk in the Federated States of Micronesia.

To bring the Compact implementation effort closer to the grantees, Cohen oversaw the establishment of a new OIA office in Honolulu in 2004 and the recruitment of its staff of grants specialists in health, education, infrastructure and fiscal management.

For Palau, the third nation with a Compact of Free Association with the U.S., Cohen’s team at OIA administered $159 million in grants to fund a 53-mile road around Palau’s largest island. The road has made significant economic development possible for the island of Babeldaob, the second largest island after Guam in the Micronesian region. Cohen signed the rights to the newly completed road over to the Government of Palau at a ceremony in Babeldaob in October 2007.

“Although I signed the documents in October, for me the road was really opened in June when Secretary Kempthorne and Palau President Tommy Remengesau toured the road on their Harleys,” said Cohen.

Protecting the Rights of Locals and Guest Workers in the CNMI

Cohen has taken a particular interest in helping Chamorros, Carolinians, foreign guest workers and others who are suffering because of the structural problems with the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands’ economy. He and his staff drafted and won Bush Administration support for legislation that would federalize the CNMI’s immigration system in a flexible manner that accommodates the CNMI’s special needs to attract workers, tourists, investors and other visitors.

A modified version of that legislation, H.R. 3079, passed the House by unanimous consent earlier this month. Cohen has testified several times on behalf of the Bush Administration before the Senate and the House in support of federalizing the CNMI’s immigration system. He has argued that the current locally controlled system has denied private sector job opportunities to an entire generation of Chamorros and Carolinians, as well as posing concerns relating to national security, refugee protection, human trafficking and labor abuse.

H.R. 3079 also provides for something that Cohen has long personally championed with the support of the Bush Administration: granting the CNMI a non-voting delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives, similar to the type of representation afforded to every other territory and the District of Columbia.

Cohen has also championed the cause of protecting the rights of guest workers and other aliens in the CNMI. In 2003, he signed a Memorandum of Agreement with then-CNMI Governor Juan Babauta under which the CNMI agreed to establish a refugee protection program, adopt a comprehensive human trafficking statute and cooperate with the Federal Government to combat human trafficking.

Under the MOA, OIA agreed to provide $600,000 to fund the establishment of the refugee protection program and hire the U.S. Department of Homeland Security as a special consultant to aid in the program’s implementation. Cohen has directed OIA technical assistance funding to support the Guma Esperansa women’s shelter in Saipan, a facility operated by the Catholic service organization Karidat to house victims of human trafficking and domestic violence.

The Federal Ombudsman’s Office on Saipan, a component of OIA dedicated to helping guest workers protect their rights, has been significantly strengthened during Cohen’s tenure. Cohen has spoken out several times about the need to protect the rights of guest workers, and has testified before Congress on behalf of the Bush Administration about the tremendous contributions that the guest workers have made to the CNMI economy. He has urged Congress, on behalf of the Bush Administration, to properly account for the interests of long-term guest workers in any legislation that federalizes the CNMI’s immigration system.

Wide Variety of Issues

Cohen has worn several hats during the Bush Administration. He was designated by President Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to serve as U.S. Representative to the Pacific Community from 2005 through this year. President Bush also designated him as his Special Representative for consultations with the CNMI under that territory’s Covenant with the U.S.

In 2001, President Bush placed Cohen on the President’s Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, a post from which he resigned in 2002 in order to take his current job at Interior. In 2001, Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao appointed Cohen to chair the Special Industry Committee for American Samoa, a body then charged with establishing minimum wage rates for that territory.

Cohen said that he will miss the stunning variety of issues that his job has required him to deal with. “I’ve had to become an expert on so many things, including cultural issues, political status, nuclear claims, war claims, coral reef protection, environmental issues, health, education, capacity building, infrastructure financing, economic and social statistics, tax issues, land issues, military issues and so much more,” said Cohen. “All of that is in addition to our top two priorities of private sector economic development and accountability.


“I have many to thank for the great experience that I’ve had here at Interior, starting with God, my family, President Bush, Secretary Kempthorne, Secretary Norton, Deputy Secretary Lynn Scarlett, OIA Director Nikolao Pula and our phenomenal team at OIA, my colleagues in the Administration, my colleagues on Capitol Hill and, most particularly, my colleagues throughout the islands,” said Cohen. “I’ve held this job for a longer continuous period than anyone else, and have had the opportunity to have a significant impact to help people and places that I care very much about. You can’t ask for more than that.”

Long post. Hope you stuck around to read all of it. Any thoughts?

Pre-Weekend Wrap

Just a little advice to everyone as we get ready for the weekend with one of the wildest Thursday nights on Saipan. There's plenty happening around town, and I'll probably be at home studying scripture like a good boy.











...ah, sarcasm.

It’s all about the marketing, baby!

When I was selling cars in Washington about a dozen years ago, I had an old car dog for a manager named Bob Leirdahl who could sell sand in the middle of the desert. He could be crass at times, and while his delivery might not always be as polished looking as his slicked back hair, he was a successful guy.

You could always count on Bob for some words of wisdom, and one of the things he said to me back in the Auburn Valley still cracks me up today. He said, “You know, you can tell a man to stick a chicken up his as. But if you tell him the right way, he might just like it.”

I think the message he was trying to convey was the power of marketing.

I understand what he meant, and think that it could apply to many of the things in our everyday life. Take Mormons, for example. What’s the stereotype for Mormons? Kids walking around with white shirts, ties, nametags and backpacks. Oh, and don’t forget the whole polygamy thing.

Why not start a new campaign to boost its image?

Instead of Mormon, try Mormanly!

How about the not so well-respected sport of badminton? Hundreds of people from across Saipan lob shuttlecocks with their flimsy little rackets, but the sport still carries that “sissy appeal” among more mainstream athletes.

Why not “butch up” the sport’s image?

Instead of Badminton, try Badassminton!

The benefits of a well thought out marketing campaign can be applied to just about anything. There has been a backlash against our legislators for taking steps to reform the local labor and immigration policies in the Commonwealth.

Well, marketing can help with that, too!

Instead of a "six-month exit requirement," try a "well-deserved six-month vacation abroad!"

Tina is hot, but she's not stolen goods

Okay, just another way to praise the Princess of the Marianas, but there really is more here. Apparently, there has been a bunch of back and forth about Tina Sablan's eligibility and place of residence prior to and during the recent CNMI elections, which was brought about by her detractors.

Check out all of the banter in one of my recent posts(this one). Anyway, here's Tina's response from her website. You can follow the links or just read below:

In recent days, I have been receiving questions from concerned citizens regarding my qualifications to run for public office, particularly with respect to residency requirements. I have prepared here a summary of the requirements for House of Representatives candidates under CNMI law, and an explanation of how I meet those requirements, with references to documents that verify my eligibility.


Under Article II, Section 3(c) of the CNMI Constitution, “A representative shall be qualified to vote in the Commonwealth, at least 21 years of age, and a resident and domiciliary of the Commonwealth for at least three years immediately preceding the date on which the representative takes office.” Article II, Section 3(d) also requires that a candidate “shall be a registered voter of the election precinct where he or she is a candidate.” The CNMI Constitution may be accessed online at www.cnmilaw.org/constitution.htm and at the Joeten-Kiyu Public Library.


Commonwealth election law used to require that candidates be residents of their precincts for at least two years immediately preceding the date of the election. The two-year precinct residency requirement, however, was removed in 2005 by Public Law 14-87. Today, our election law requires that a candidate for the House of Representatives simply be: 1) qualified to vote in the Commonwealth; 2) at least 21 years of age; 3) a resident and domiciliary of the Commonwealth for at least three years immediately preceding the date on which s/he takes office; and 4) a registered voter and resident of the precinct in which s/he is a candidate. The Northern Mariana Islands Election Reform Act of 2000 (PL 12-18), and Public Law 14-87, which amends it, can both be accessed at www.cnmilaw.org . The Commonwealth Election Commission can also provide more information on CNMI election law, and can be reached at 664-VOTE.


Am I qualified to vote in the Commonwealth?

YES. I have been a registered voter in the Commonwealth since I turned 18. Public documents relating to my voter registration history can be found at the Commonwealth Election Commission.


Am I at least 21 years of age?

YES. I am 26. Public documents related to my age include my birth certificate, driver’s license, and passport.


Have I been a resident and domiciliary of the Commonwealth for at least three years immediately preceding the date on which I will take office?

YES. I was born and raised in the CNMI, and left the islands at the age of 18 to attend college between the fall of 1999 and the fall of 2003. I returned to the CNMI in June 2004 after I had saved up enough money to buy a ticket home. My employment with the Division of Environmental Quality began shortly after my return. Public documents related to my residency in the CNMI include my birth certificate, voter registration history, and memoranda of agreement that I signed with the CNMI Scholarship Office indicating my commitment to return home upon the completion of my college education. The Division of Environmental Quality can verify my employment history; the number for that office is 664-8500.

Am I a registered voter and resident of the precinct in which I ran for office?

YES. I am a registered voter of Precinct 1, and I live in Fina Sisu. I have lived in this village since August 1, 2007, the date that I signed my lease for the house in which I currently reside. I filed my candidacy papers on August 6, and was certified as a candidate on August 24.


One source of confusion for some citizens seems to be a letter to the editor that I wrote which was published in the Marianas Variety on October 4, 2007. Below my name, the Variety indicated that I still resided in Navy Hill. By that time, I had not lived in Navy Hill for nearly two years, and had been living in Fina Sisu for over two months. On the same day the letter was published, I notified the Variety editor of the error and requested a correction. Letters thereafter indicated my correct residence. I still have a copy of the email I sent to the Variety editor if anyone would like to review it.


Finally, some have asked me why I switched precincts “at the last minute.” Suggestions have been made that it was a political maneuver on my part – though to what end, I am not entirely clear. Moving to Precinct 1 did not give me any special advantage in the election. It was probably more of a disadvantage for me to run in the most crowded election race on the island, in a precinct in which I had never lived before.


The reason I “switched precincts” is quite simple. I am a renter. Prior to renting a house in Fina Sisu, I was renting a house in Garapan. Prior to renting that house in Garapan, I was renting a studio in Navy Hill. Prior to that, I was off-island attending college, also renting apartments. Prior to that, I was still in high school living with my parents in Tanapag, the village where I was born and raised.


I decided to move to Fina Sisu because I could no longer afford the rent for the house in Garapan. In the middle of my move, I began to consider running for office. Before deciding to run for office, I read both the CNMI Constitution and the election laws, and checked with the Commonwealth Election Commission to make sure that I met and understood the residency requirements for House of Representatives candidates.


My decision to run for public office was admittedly a rather last-minute decision. My decision to move out of Garapan was not. It was something I had been considering for months, and I decided to move when I finally found a more affordable place to live in Fina Sisu.


Although my rental agreements these past three and a half years are private, not public documents, and therefore not subject to the Open Government Act, I have no problem showing them to anyone who would like to see them. I am also happy to answer any other questions or concerns regarding my election qualifications, or any other issues for that matter. Please call me at 483-3935, or email me at tinasablan@gmail.com.


I'm glad she cleared all of that up. Not that I doubted her integrity for a second, but it's nice to know that she's always willing and able to back up her side of any argument with solid facts bolstered by concrete evidence.

You go, girl!

So who do you believe? And why do you believe them?

A different kind of Saipan study

Somehow I thought Jeff would appreciate this, given all the ribbing I take for my apparent preference in the women department.

Got English?

This could come in handy here...

Sony racist?

No, this isn't really a commercial. This is a clip from an old movie, but it still cracks me up every time.

Amaz-za-zing WWII Saipan Video

I found these online and decided to share. Listen to what these boys went through to take these islands.

Part 1 of 5

Part 2 of 5

Part 3 of 5

Part 4 of 5

Part 5 of 5

Hee Haw, Hee Haw

It's the Christmas season and all this talk of jackasses has got me all sentimental...

Would someone teach Greg Cruz what "satirical" means?

After reading his Letter to the Editor in today's Variety, Cruz's comments reminded me of Ron Burgundy's struggle with the "When in Rome" phrase. One day you'll get it buddy. Until then, keep the insults in your head and leave the writing to the adults.

...and I was surprised to see Greg Cruz's MySpace account. He has more friends than he did votes. I like TaoTao Tano's MySpace account as well. I especially like how they posted the pictures of the protesters who held up the signs that told the guest workers to "Go Home!"

Classy!

**UPDATE**
I read Glen's comment section and it was awful on so many levels...

Greg does have some redeeming qualities. I mean, at least the guy is willing to stand up and voice his opinion. He gathered a group of frustrated people and called them to action.

While I don't agree with much of the Taotao Tano folks, I give them credit for standing up for their beliefs. Too bad they can't march on the orders of someone with a little more tact.

"Oh my God..."

These three words escaped my lips this morning when I read perhaps the dumbest online story from the dimmest bulb in the Variety's commentary chandelier.

The headline read:

Taotao Tano does not want fluoride in drinking water


When did Taotao Tano become concerned with the collective dental health of the Commonwealth?

Here's a little more for you:

(Taotao Tano president Greg)Cruz said rats that were given fluoride developed bone and liver cancer.
“There is enough fluoride in our toothpaste — we don’t need more of it,” Cruz said.


Obviously, Greg. Thanks for your poignant commentary...

How many people have seen inside the mouths of our local children and the children of off-island workers? Man, every brown corroded smile looks worse than the bullet-riddled buildings found on the mean streets of Baghdad. Children should not have teeth that look like partially dissolved tic-tacs, and that happens all the time here. I mean, we've got kids with metal teeth here--really!

Perhaps Bev would weigh in on the issue for us...

How could anyone who owns a toothbrush (with the intent of maintaining their teeth, that is) think that Fluoride is bad? And much worse, how could anyone consider taking dental advice from people with teeth that look like old piano keys?

...and one guess who the reporter was...

EE, my man, you can do better than rehashing quotes from a letter to the editor...

My favorite part might be:

In his letter to Pelligrino yesterday, Taotao Tano president Gregorio Cruz said that after doing some research, they found that “fluoride contains lead, arsenic, radium and other toxic chemicals, which causes memory problems, neurological impairment, learning disorders, and hip fractures.”

Does that mean that the crack scientists from the Taotao Tano laboratories conducted clinical research that produced conclusive evidence of Fluoride's harmful nature? Or does that mean that some guy read something on the Internet that said something bad about Fluoride?

I'm guessing the latter...

People who conduct research proudly cite their sources to support their position. That's not exactly the case when you boast "doing some research." Okay, I'm coming off as kind of negative, but to deny children a useful tool in the fight on cavities would be a crime.