Scott, Julie, Weddings and Priorities

It's been a long time coming but with less than a month to go before Kathy and I exchange vows, some of the details are starting to weigh a little more heavily than before.

Of course the cost of the rehearsal dinners, pre-wedding entertainment, ceremony, and reception are never too far from the forefront of my financial fixation, there are other thoughts that surface once in a while...when I let them.

The thing that's got me down is that my brother and sister won't make it out. It wasn't easy for me to get home for their respective weddings, but somehow, someway I did. I didn't want them to go through the rest of their lives with the thought that I didn't care enough to be there for them on their big day.

The cost of airfare hasn't gotten any cheaper over the years but the price to fly here for our wedding isn't much different than it was when Kathy and I flew to New York for Scott and Kristen's wedding last summer.

They both explained about the financial barriers that stand in the way of their trip, but those seemingly insurmountable walls were present when I was posed with making each of my trips to the mainland.

So how should I feel?

Angry?
Sad?
Mad?
Furious?
Resentful?
Hurt?

Should I get to work on the grudge of all grudges?

Well, I thought about all of the above and I can't really settle on any of them. I suppose that I've moved on from the "grudge of all grudges" train of thought months ago when they had all but decided that they weren't going to make it out here.

I've moved beyond anger and ferocity because the basis of both was rooted in my sincere and heartfelt disappointment that my kid brother and baby sister would even consider not making the trip.

There's a part of me that's holding out for a surprise visit from both of them, but remnants of my optimism are wavering, at best. As our family history goes, I'm the one who drops in for surprise visits.

I don't know for sure how their absence is going to affect our long-term relationship. Sadly, I guess that the family bond will seem somewhat less intact.

Seriously, how could they not make it here for my wedding? For me? Do they not see the bigger picture or did I think too much of the impact that my absence would have on their transition?

Am I taking this too far? I don't know, maybe. While I can't rate the importance that they placed on my presence at their respective weddings, I know exactly how much I want them to be there for mine.

I have such a difficult time accepting that they wouldn't make it. It's not as if I sprung this wedding on them a few months ago. I told them about our engagement in September. That's 10 months to prepare for a trip.

Granted, it's a long trip. The flight from New York to Saipan is easily the longest that anyone in my immediate family has ever taken. Perhaps my judgement is clouded because I posses an adventurous spirit that my family doesn't share.

It's not all bad.

Despite facing the same hurdles, my parents will make the trip for our wedding. I look forward to spending time with them here in Saipan and showing them why I have chosen to live on this tiny little rock in the middle of the sea.

It's a shame that they'll only be here for a couple of weeks, but I'll take what I can get. I've already worked out a full schedule for my folks, but there are a couple of days for them to discover a the island for themselves.

If I'm lucky I will be able to make it home this winter but it's a bit more realistic that I'll be in New York next summer for our high school reunion. Yeah, that's the sound of Father Time tracking me down.

Maybe that's why the absence of Julie and Scott at my wedding bothers me so much. We're getting older and each day takes us a step closer to placing our individual families ahead of our family.

I don't like it.

And I miss them.